What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I have no regrets .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He knew the spot.

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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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But ive been too sick for many years..

And i lived it daily.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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My life is so biszare .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Who then, do I blame.?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Why would a spouse cheat if the marriage is good?

(And it was in our own minds.)

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

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I know ,a lot about trauma.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

So whats the point in blame.

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Would this be the day?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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So, i spoilt her more .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

We all went to grammer schools

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

This is soul school!.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I was seconnd youngest,

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I waited trembling.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Was to survive, this bastard.

When she asked me how she looked .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I was very sick at this time too.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

One cannot live in the past .

I said to her

All the time i was locked up.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I was scared of men, in general

She loved him until the end.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

She was in good health!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Comes on , in middle age.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We were not on the streets..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

She wouldn,t have been !

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I write beautiful poetry .

My family never makes their pension either.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

But it wasn’t much.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I will be 64.

She found it foreign!.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

She married twice! .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I think the readers, may guess!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Ive learnt so much.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

What did i know ?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I don,t even have a pension.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Im still living with it.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

He resisted the act ,that day.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I was 9 years of age.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

But, we were locked up after school.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Put me off passion for life!!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I could never make a relationship work though!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

It was going to be , some day.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.